Dilaudid
by Catnipisnotonfire12
Summary: Set post 2x15 Revelations. They were still there, those little vials. So small…So powerful. He'd been clean, he'd refused to give in, since his kidnap weeks ago. But Spencer Reid was a professional, he could handle a small dose of Dilaudid on the flight back from a solved case – right? Warnings for drug use.


**Dilaudid.**

**Set post 2x15 Revelations. They were still there, those little vials. So small…So powerful. He'd been clean, he'd refused to give in, since his kidnap weeks ago. But Spencer Reid was a professional, he could handle a small dose of Dilaudid on the flight back from a solved case – right? **

**I don't own Criminal Minds. My first CM fic, so be kind :) enjoy! **

It was all a blur. The buzzing around him was simply the mindless talk of his BAU teammates, but to Spencer Reid their mumbling was louder than anything he'd ever heard. All jumbled together. Like the noise and the world was out of focus.

Reid was staring at this blur; trying to make sense of it all. Trying to separate the sounds and stop the colours of the plane returning back from their latest solved case merging into one sickly mess. With all his degrees and PhDs, it shouldn't be _so damn hard _to hear and think properly. Or to sit still. Or just not feel jumpy and generally agitated for no reason at all.

"Hey kid, what are you staring at?"

Reid looked up to see Morgan, along with JJ, Prentiss and Hotch, staring at him quizzically. He shook his head as if to wake himself up, but everything was still slightly out of focus. Like they were all drawings that had been smudged around the edges.

"Uh, nothing. I'm just…" _make up an excuse. You're thinking about the victims on the previous case. You're tired. _"Nothing." He turned his head to look out of the window, the deep black of the night sky couldn't be blurred, and hoped that they'd drop whatever it was that had made them stop their conversation to annoy Reid in the first place.

"You look beat, Reid. Maybe you should get some sleep." Prentiss muttered.

For some reason, that made Reid angry. How long had she known him? Mere months. And she was advising him on what to do in regards to his health. "Oh what do you know?" He snapped, regretting it instantly. She was only concerned, after all, it wasn't her fault Reid felt so agitated.

"Whoa man, there's no need to be like that." Morgan defended. "Maybe you really _should _get some sleep, this coming from the man who's known you since your first day at the BAU. Get your, uh, ten hours or whatever the Hell's recommended for sleeping."

At that, Reid frowned. This time he managed to hold his tongue, instead saying, "Actually, on average America's adults get six point nine hours of sleep each night, slightly less than the range of seven to nine hours recommended by sleep experts. So I'm good right now, thanks Derek." That last part was said rather bitterly, but Reid hoped that Morgan didn't pick up on that. Although the shifty eyes he gave him for a brief second said otherwise.

"Hey listen Spencer-" Hotch started, sitting up and leaning into Reid's general direction, but Reid couldn't take it. The noises. The blurred colours. His teammates questioning his _every move. _

"-I'm going to the bathroom." He cut Hotch off curtly, picking up his bag and fishing something out of it before leaving.

Worried concerns for his wellbeing from the group, as well as the expected _'what the Hell is up with him?'_From Hotch could be heard – but Reid didn't care. He was done caring.

When Reid got to the cramped, tiny stall near the cockpit he leaned against sink out of lack of places to sit. With a shaky hand, he placed the small vial of Dilaudid on the side of the sink, next to it he placed the sterilized needle.

Until now, he'd been so _strong. _He didn't use it. Not once. Not since Tobias Hankel forcefully injected him with it. But now, life was tough and everything was hazy. Every single thing took too long, whether it was a case or an interview or a person talking or even a freaking _pot noodle in the microwave _he'd want to scream for it or them to hurry up. As if, if he wasn't speeding, going everywhere and doing everything constantly, he might just fall apart and cease to exist.  
Whatever someone said, it always offended him. It didn't matter what, it could even be helpful, but he'd just want to punch them. _Spencer Reid was not a violent person. _He never had been. Even when kids were beating him up for playing chess instead of baseball, spitting on him and telling him to drop dead (to which Reid responded that victims of bullying are 2 to 9 times more likely to consider suicide than students who are not bullied so he would not become a statistic and conform to their wishes by 'dropping dead' which, when you talk about it literally, is physically impossible unless there is a health or outside stimulus – which, now that he thought about it, was not the smartest thing he'd ever done) he'd remained almost pacifist like. He'd only raised his hand or gun in emergencies, like with Tobias…

Tobias was where all this anger was coming from. All this pain and hurt and everything that wouldn't stop going round in his head but _needed to stop._

Reid looked over at the tiny, yet powerful, brown-orange vial on the side accusingly. Perhaps he shouldn't do it, but when Tobias was torturing him…  
Well, Tobias had been right about one thing. It made the pain stop.

He refused to let his eidetic memory overthink this; Reid grabbed the vial and poured it into the syringe. It'd help him function better. He'd be less snappy at the other agents and victims on cases. Plus, he could focus on his job without watching handwriting samples or maths equations jumble up as if her were a dyslexic man slowly going blind.  
Spencer Reid was a doctor with an eidetic memory, an IQ of187, the ability to read 20,000 words per minute, a PhDs in mathematics, chemistry and engineering, BAs in psychology and sociology and he graduated high school aged twelve. _He could handle this better than some homeless drug addict. _

Rolling up his sleeve, Reid clenched his hand and made a fist. The other hand reached for the syringe, and he stared at it; studying it for a moment. Then he pushed it into his arm, hands for the first time in week's _dead still.  
The euphoria was instantaneous. _

**My first Criminal Minds fanfiction, I love Reid so much I just want to hug him and tell him life will be OK.  
I've only just started season five, so I can't write any up to date fanfiction yet, but I hope some people will like this – because I **_**really **_**want to write a sequel. Possibly with the team finding out? I was so disappointed when there was no revelation like that in the actual show!**

**Please be kind, and review :3 **

**-Catnipisnotonfire12**


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